Well this is it, what may end up being the biggest problem in the history of this show, the problem nobody wanted or saw coming: the end of shows. Sometimes shows run their course, and this is one of those times. After 107 consecutive episodes, this will be the final show for The Biggest Problem […]
Here’s our second best-of episode where we play the first-ever “Weird Matthew McConaughey” voicemail before we gave him the moniker, a classic Bono phone call and the origin of the “go fuck yourself” tag that started from a pattern of disparate comments and voicemail we received. Dick starts us out with Hoverboard Hoaxes and bemoans […]
Here’s our first-ever “Best-Of” episode, which after putting it together, may actually be the best episode of this show we’ve ever made. But so is every show we record. This episode has us spanning the gamut from douchebags, from the ones so loud you can hear them in your home when they drive by, to […]
We open this week’s show with discussing the social media meltdown revolving around the word “cuck.” Over the weekend I made a simple meme that made fun of both major political candidates, as they’re both as likeable as a shot of bleach. Guess which side had a COMPLETE MELTDOWN? Turns out that these people, for […]
We start out this show with voicemail like usual, which conveniently leads us to the first problem–and definitely a problem of the first-world order: voicemail. It’s obnoxious and the ones we play on the show are only a small fraction of the voicemail we receive. Maybe we’ll make a supercut of voicemail that didn’t make […]
Buy This Episode ($1.33) Also accepting BitCoin: Episode The bet of the century is finally settled between Maddox and Commander Crunch, how far away from Earth is Voyager? Maddox brings us the answer straight out of NASA’s mouth. According to my Twitter poll, about half of you will be surprised! How far away is Voyager? […]
In this exciting episode, Maddox gets chewed out by a real Pokemon master, Sean deletes a coffee, and I forget to read an erotic story that’s so good, you need a week to prepare for it. So wash the chili off of your sheets and get ready for another Biggest Problem in the Universe.
Do you have kids? If you do, chances are you’re doing it wrong, and we’ll tell you exactly how. Maddox brings Helicopter Parenting, the phenomenon of over-parenting your children, thereby stunting their growth and leaving them unable to cope with life as adults. Did your mom do your laundry? Then she probably turned you into an entitled, narcissistic, additional buzzword about millennials, who can’t even poop without looking up how to do it on YouTube first. Who do these helicopter parents think they are? Do they think they live in a world where more than 15% of children are victims of sexual assault? They are and they do. Go vote up first time child experts.
I bring in The Job Lynch Mob. It’s one part thought-crime, another part outrage porn, shaken not stirred by ten thousand loudmouths with too much time and too little control in their hands. To listeners, I ask the question: can you think of a tweet that’s so offensive it should cost someone their job? You personally. If you can, vote it down. To me, opinions are like buttholes. I want a good, long look at all of them–especially the gross ones.
Maddox ends the episode with another kind of hovering annoyance: Mosquitos. Easily the biggest problem on this list, mosquitoes are responsible for hundreds of thousands of deaths every year, the spread of dangerous diseases, and worst of all, waking me up buzzing in my ear like they own the place. Maddox claims we have the technology to end this menace once and for all, but it’s being waylaid by something called “ethics”. Go vote those up.
In this episode, we talk about how Sean’s problem changed someone’s life, Maddox makes a big bet that’s bigger than the entire solar system–or just slightly smaller than his ego. And I talk about personal freedoms for like 30 minutes on this very special libertarian holiday.
4/20 is like a Festivus of running your mouth for the world’s most annoying, academically-enlightened know-it-alls: libertarians and drug addicts. I manage to combine both in my problem of the War on Drugs. The war on drugs has failed on all fronts. It has not lessened drug use, addiction, or abuse. It has increased ten-fold the number of Americans in for-profit prisons, and it has bent minorities and Mexico over and ducked them up the ass. The only thing the war on drugs has succeeded in doing is making mushrooms extremely difficult for me to find even though I promised these chicks I would get them some last weekend, so what am I supposed to do here?
Maddox brings in The Golem Effect because he really loves Lord of the Rings. Nerd! The Golem Effect is the phenomenon of lower expectations resulting in lower performance. In a way, Maddox is right. Samwise expected Golem to be a dick, and he was a dick. But in another way, Maddox is wrong because Golem was always a dick and had dicketry in his heart–even way back in the director’s cut when Smeagol kills his Hobbit friend to get the Ring of Power in the first place. That’s why the ring was able to corrupt him so completely and not Frodo, because he was a dick. Also, he talked like an asshole. Vote up Golem.
I bring in Ducking Autocorrect. Have you ever messaged your mom for sex or texted your girlfriend that you can’t wait to get at her Holocaust after work? Have you ever used four “ha’s” when you only meant to use three? You probably have if you use the half-broken technological piece of shot known as autocorrect. Autocorrect is like that one relationship you suspect you’d be better without, but it would take so much work to find out for sure. And by “that one” relationship I mean all relationships. Ducking relationships!
The episode ends with Maddox doubling down on his Dick vs. Dick in a real auditory bloodbath. The controversy probably won’t be solved in this episode, but it raises the question, who is best suited to explain what I meant 8 years ago with my brazen and future-predicting 14-word Trump joke within the first 4 pages of my book? It’s clearly not me. Possibly the only two men can interpret it are my editor, Jeremie Ruby-Strauss, or the man himself, Donald Trump.
Happy 100th episode! Thanks for listening, and an actual, genuine thanks if you’ve purchased our bonus episode available now for low, low price of $1.33. If you haven’t, what are you waiting for? A smart alecky comment? I hope so because that’s what you just got.
Welcome to the big one folks. The big 100. We’ve got songs, gifts, celebrities, and a bombshell problem from Sean, but first, we kick off the celebration with a scintillating argument about politics, race, and gun violence. Scintillating means “makes you want to kill yourself”, right? Then Maddox treats us to the worst Dick vs Dick in the history of the show, reaching back 8 years into the past and pulling probably the least contentious passage from my man-sterpiece Men Are Better Than Women, also on sale, and shoving it in my face. I don’t know where explaining someone’s own book to them falls on the mansplaining man-mometer, but I bet it’s pretty high! Go vote up Maddox!
Maddox brings in Asteroids and claims you have a higher chance of being killed by an asteroid than attacked by a shark. The math doesn’t lie! We each propose radically different solutions to the asteroid problem. Maddox proposes defunding Planned Parenthood and forming a new world government ruled (presumably) by him, and I want to know when the rioting and looting starts. Come to think of it, those are our solutions to every problem. Go vote up sharks!
Sean finally brings in his long teased problem. It feels like a spoiler to even reveal it in this post, so I’ll just say this: if you want to avoid any spoilers, IT’S ADDICTION. Screw you. Go vote up Spoiler Cry Babies.
I round out this mega-episode with a problem that has vexed man since the beginning of time. Women! I’ll take my chances with the asteroid thank you very much.
That’s it ladies and gentlemen! This is the very last double digit episode. This is the very last time Sean will have not brought in a problem. This is the very last time alphanumeric sorting of our podcast episodes will be convenient. But if you think we’re going to clear the 99th episode without a bitch being one, prepare yourselves because surprise special guest Asterios Kokkinos is back! Just kidding, I love Asterios. And he has a problem that will blow your mind.
Maddox starts the episode with Facebook Video. It’s rare when a company can screw over their platform’s content creators, advertisers, and users all in one stroke; but that’s just what the talented folks at Facebook Video are doing–cramming autoplay videos into your feed like they’re shoving a big blue thumb up your ass, screwing advertisers outside the box with 3 second ad “plays”, and profiting from out of control piracy. There’s no joke on that last one because it isn’t a joke and I don’t see how these guys don’t have the hipster sued out of them. There’s a solution for next month: Class Action Lawsuits. Screw Facebook Video.
Asterios breaks bad with his problem of Political Satire. I don’t want to put words in his mouth, but I’m pretty sure he’s saying that John Oliver is a sanctimonious, disingenuous, pandering shill with a message crafted only to turn his followers into smug, parroting advertisements for his garbage show and garbager Drumpf hats, but I may have misinterpreted some parts. Political satire has become a toothless tiger, a shameless and calculated alchemy of outrage porn and marketing demographics that is as cloying as it is cloistering. Instead of an agent of change, it’s become an opiate for the disenfranchised, the closed-minded and the self-congratularati. But maybe Asterios is wrong. After all, it is it’s 2016! Vote it up.
I round off the episode with Banging Your Funny Bone. That’s the only bone in the world no one wants banged. Vote it up!
Wagers are made and reputations are put on the line on this episode of The Biggest Solution in the Universe. Shell out your $1.33 to see how much of it Maddox just lost. Also, Angelo’s Mom is back to harangue me and this time she has a partner: Angelo’s Dad!
Maddox brings in Homes for the Homeless. It’s the novel idea that homelessness can be fixed by giving houses to homeless people. What’s next? Giving food to the foodless? Activism to the Slacktivists? Genitals to the Female Genital Mutilateds? Despite my complaining, Maddox insists the program works in Utah, so if you’re homeless and reading this on a jack off machine at your local library, get your ass to Utah.
I bring in Online Trackers, specifically the Pizza Tracker. Soap and online pizza tracking is what makes the difference between civilization and total barbarism. Name something that cannot be tracked. I dare you. Then go vote it up as a solution.
Maddox brings in Pragmatism. Things like putting garbage in your freezer so it doesn’t stink up your house; and carrying multiple wallets in case one gets stolen; and donating clothes to Goodwill instead of throwing them directly into the garbage. These are the hallmarks of a genius and also a pragmatist. Do you do something weird? Turns out you might just be a huge pragmatist. Go vote it up.
We finish the episode with Advertising and get a rare look at why Maddox doesn’t want ads on his website. If you’re interested in that kind of thing, and want to prove that advertising is indeed a problem, don’t just vote it down, also purchase this ad-free bonus episode.
Start the countdown and call in with your worst impressions. The 100th episode of The Biggest Problem in the Universe is just eight days away!
Ever wondered what the podcast would sound like without Sean? You’re going to love this one then. The Delete-o Bandito waltzes into the studio late in this episode with a drink in one hand and an excuse in the other, without a care in the world like he’s pepper spraying student protesters at UC Davis. Just how late? You’ll have to listen to find out. But speaking of protesters…
I bring in Road Blockheads. Those morons who block the freeway for reasons of love, hate, or the love of hatred. As far as I’m concerned, if you block the freeway for any reason other than “I screwed up”, you’ve just declared a one-man personal Purge on yourself. Waze should award Road Munchies for running these jerks over. Remember, civil disobedience is still disobedience!
Maddox brings in Murderers. Charles Manson, OJ, Albert Fish, Hitler, each a more terrifying murderer than the last. But what about Planned Parenthood? Where do they fall on the scale? I’ll let you hear how the rest of that conversation goes. Does Maddox murder his own problem? Or does he hit it and acquit it? Only the voting will decide.
I bring in Acne. If you voted down Living With Your Parents, and a lot of you did, something tells me you’re going to vote this one up. I had acne as a teenager–and also last week…It sucks and no amount of lifting in the world will get rid of it. Vote it up unless you’re too busy applying 3 billion dollars of rip-off creams to your open face wounds.
Maddox presents Junk in the Trunk, and he’s not talking about having a fat ass–something that everyone pretends is attractive for some reason. He’s talking about having a bunch of garbage in your car. We all do it, and apparently it’s a huge waste of gas and deepening America dependence on foreign oil. Just how much gas are we wasting? Is it 100 pounds? Because that’s the only number I retained from the presentation.
Tune in next week for our 99th episode and ensuing debate over, “What is a murder?” That seems about right for this show.
There are only three more action packed episodes until everyone can finally have an opinion about the problem Sean brings in. Will it be hot stuff or horsepoop? Will it get deleted? Will it be about how no one helps Sean set up his audio equipment every week? There’s only one way to find out!
Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harry’s website and use the promo code “BIGGESTPROBLEM” when checking out to get $5 off your first purchase.
This episode, I bring in Decision Fatigue, the #1 cause of “can’t even” syndrome. According to my research, having too many choices makes you fat, stupid, worse at making decisions, and makes everything in life lamer. Those are the same reasons that public services announcements give to not do drugs. If you’re thinking of voting this election season, think of the effect all that choice will have on your overall happiness. Play it safe and stay home.
When you choose, you lose.
Maddox brings in Overpopulation Alarmists with the merciless take-down of 18th-century philosopher Thomas Malthus that you’re going to have to hear to believe. Among other things, Malthus didn’t predict the agricultural revolution and the fundamental change it would bring to sustainable levels of human civilization. What an idiot! Thomas Malthus would be pissing his pants in his grave right now if he wasn’t too dumb to even do that right. Malthus got a lot of things wrong — however, when pressed for the actual number of humans Earth could support between 7 billion and infinity, Maddox was stumped. I’ve seen The Price is Right. You can’t give no answer on the Showcase Showdown.
I also bring in Bits, and the scientifically supported theory that people who compulsively joke and make puns suffer from brain damage. Comedy bits? More like bits of your brain are screwed. If you know someone who jokes compulsively even when you’re trying to talk to a girl and even when they aren’t funny, don’t just stop hanging around that person and talk crap about them on your podcast, get them the medical help they need. From what I’ve learned in cartoons, the only way to fix brain damage is with another, more severe blow to the head.
Maddox brings in Prank Bros and shows a series of Internet “prank” videos that are either felonies or obvious fabrications, depending on how tall your soap box is. I think kids throwing milk around a store is hilarious, but as my previous problem showed, I have serious brain damage. Vote with your gut on this one, not your brain, and whatever you do don’t think too much about it. It will make you fat.
It’s time for another uninvited guest! This time it’s famed “person who claims to be a DJ online” and star of his own Twitter account, DJ Tim Changzzzzz. Pew pew pew! If you love him, subscribe to his YouTube channel. If you hate him, subscribe twice so you can leave a mean comment on everything he produces; but know that if you do that, you’ll be one of today’s biggest problems.
Maddox brings in ADHDD, Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder. The extra D stands for DBPP or Diagnoses By Parent. The extra P is a typo. Millions of kids have ADHD. Does that mean their brains are fundamentally broken and ill-equipped to function in society without drugs? Big Pharma would like you to think so. Big Psychiatry wants you to think that these kids just need someone to talk to. My parents solved problems by making me run laps.
DJ Tim Changzzzzz brings in Haters and if you can figure out why he thinks this is a problem, you should probably get yourself on some Ritalin because you have some serious ADHD. Predictably, Tim is light on stats, but heavy on showmanship, a socially acceptable version of nonsense.
I bring in Poor Gym Etiquette, which might as well have been in another language. Maddox insists that gym goers do not suffer from jerks talking too loud; doofuses spitting in the drinking fountain; ball goblins using the bench press for 2lbs triceps kickbacks; horny penis weasels cuddling and smooching and acting like they’re at a drive-in; semen wizards stealing your 15-pound weights when you’re in the middle of a workout; and human jackass employees acting like missing equipment is a mysterious act of God that they’ll pray comes to an end instead of something they should be trying to fix instead of texting their wannabe DJ friends. Maybe this isn’t a problem at places like Curves, but I wouldn’t know because they have a restraining order against me.
Finally, our fan Dr. Smooth Rod sends in some fake money for Maddox’s fake wallet. For more information on this #lifehack, check out this month’s bonus episode for $1.33. We accept Maddox bucks, but they have to be delivered to us in the decapitated head of your greatest enemy
Stock up on your bags of sand and prepare for an informational flood of biblical proportions. Who shot JR? What’s Kramer’s real name? Fuller House sucks, right? These burning questions of our pop cultural era mean dog turd compared to the bombshell that is dropped at the end of this episode of the Biggest Problem in the Universe. And I mean the very end. You have to listen to the entire episode. But first…
In this episode, we receive gifts in the form of brownies and cookies and, as per my request, fan Daniel Heggie immortalizes one of my epic rants in an experimental form of jazz hands that he calls “Australian Sign Language”. Take a look at it below, and make sure you tell Daniel how boss his hair looks even if you don’t really think so.
I start the episode with Bumper Stickers. Imagine everything you would never ever say in polite conversation: how many kids you have; who you support for president; preachy, virtue-signaling platitudes; the N-word. Well, with a bumper sticker, you can say all of that and more for low, low price of your dignity. Bumper stickers are the presumptuous Alamo of our modern age. Did you forget what a tremendous prick I am? Don’t worry, I taped it on my crap-mobile. Remember my bumper sticker.
Maddox brings in Bottled Water. Sure, estrogen-leaching, masculinity-eradicating BPA chemicals are bad and everyone agrees that the idea of water being more expensive than gasoline is farcical and inhumane, but what’s the alternative? Drinking out of the toilet? Gross. According to Maddox, Pepsi has declared war on free tap water. Maybe they should declare war on medicine-y aftertaste because Pepsi sucks.
I bring in Sleep Deprivation. Not only can it make you fat, stupid, depressed, ugly, and dead, but it can also make you fall asleep while you’re trying to eat a girl out. I can’t speak from personal experience because I don’t do that sort of thing, but I heard about it from a guy.
Maddox ends the episode with Twitter. What is there to say about an industrialized social media juggernaut that connects millions of people across the world and sublimates consumer media into an interactive experience unifying technology and communication in a single hive consciousness? How about, there aren’t enough characters. If you agree, #voteitup #YOLO #blessed #Trump2016
And don’t forget to check out this month’s bonus episode for $1.33!
Welcome back to the Biggest Solution in the Universe. The only podcast that solves every problem in the universe from not enough energy to not enough energy.
Maddox brings in Steam Engines. If you think that’s a good solution, I guess you’ll also have to vote up Time Travel so you can go back to 1885 and board a steam locomotive to Syphilis Town, because those are the only steam engines I know about! Maddox alleges that most power on Earth is generated by steam engines, including coal and nuclear power. All I know is, if steam power is so ubiquitous, why aren’t we all walking around in top hats and brass codpieces and XXL corsets, trying to hide our online fursonas? Steam punk is stupid and so is steam.
I bring in a fan solution brought to you by Weird Matthew McConaughey: Tapping Your Pocket to Make Sure Your Wallet is There. It’s a solution that was invented immediately after the pocket and is used hundreds of times a day by every man on Earth. If you don’t think it’s the biggest solution in the universe, try going a day without it. By the end of the day, you won’t even know if your dick is there.
Maddox brings in Deworming Pills, a solution that affects dogs and humans alike. Did I say humans? I meant humans in the third world. Worms have been shown to dramatically reduce test scores and literacy rates, and also statistically increase the chance of being full of gross parasites. Africa doesn’t need $100 laptops and shoes with emojis on them. They need deworming pills–as sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.
Finally, my solution of batteries is sure to take home the gold this week. Imagine a world without batteries. Vibrators, remote controls, and pagers, all of the things most essential to daily life would be merely a fevered dream of a syphilitic, parasite infested maniac.
Tune in next month when we discuss a big announcement on tomorrow’s podcast!
Like AC/DC we are back in black this week to round up the most controversial problem ever brought in on this show. Of course, I’m not talking about Being Black. I’m talking about friggin’ Wallets. Dozens of passionate challengers called in to debunk Maddox’s non-singular wallet lifestyle. Does he fold under the pressure? Or is the world about to be hit with a new fashion trend: Two wallets for show. Zero wallets for a pro.
Lock your car doors, cross to the other side of the street, and give your back pocket a tap to make sure your wallet’s still there; we’ve got a very special guest on this week and we’re going to walk a mile in his shoes. Heads up, we’re going to get followed around a lot […]
Several debates rage on in this episode: What is a stop? Are Q-tips still dangerous even if you don’t shove them in your ear hole like you’re loading a musket? Will Sean bring in a problem for the 100th episode or will he delete the hopes and dreams of thousands of fans? Or will enough […]
Is there a doctor in the house? We’re all going to need one after this episode because my Spidey/specious medical advice senses are tingling. But what set them off?
I bring in the problem of Food Waste. Did you know one out of four calories produced in the world go straight into the trash? If only the same could be said of Tumblr posts, “think pieces”, and celebrities. The world would be a much better place. It’s even worse in the United States, where 30-40% of the food supply is wasted. If only the same could be said of my state of inebriation. The world would be a much better place.
Recently, France passed a law preventing supermarkets from disposing of perfectly good food that looks a little screwy, and then doing stuff like dumping bleach on it to make it inedible for the homeless and destitute. I’m all for a good prank, but even as a libertarian, I can say that that is a questionable use of bleach.
Robin Higgins is back with the steamy problem of No One Teaches You How To Have Sex Good. She’s right, but I don’t know if we solved her problem this episode. Robin presents some great advice like don’t do any bits during sex and why do I hate women? She also brings in an idea for a “boring porn” that would serve as an instructional video and teach us all how to have sex more good. Also, I offer to electronically screen potential gentleman suitors for Robin this Valentine’s Day. Hit me with your best lines. Be creative. I’ve heard and said them all.
Maddox ends the episode with Q-Tips. According to half of the people on this podcast, Q-Tips are cotton swabs you use to clean your ears. According to the other half, they’re titillating sticks of sensual pleasure that ride your earhole g-spots into a world of addicting ecstasy. I’m not exaggerating. Maddox says that Q-Tips are dangerous to use and that having wax in your ears is good for you and part of the body’s natural defenses against things like germs and dust and assholes who disagree with you. I have no idea if this is true. If you’re a doctor, please reach out via email. This might be the most important consultation you’ve ever weighed in on. If Maddox is right, I have several hundred Q-Tips I need to throw away and then pour bleach on. I don’t want any homeless people getting addicted to pleasuring their earholes with fuzzy sticks.
If you haven’t purchased the most recent bonus episode for $1.33, none of this episode will make sense.
Asterios Kokkinos is back! And this time he has a problem that will appeal to anyone who’s ever thought of something and then expected to make a million dollars from it. Of course I’m talking about Unappreciated Creators. Imagine a world where the guys who created Superman and Wolverine and Ghost Rider are all homeless and giving hand jobs for sandwich meat in Battery Park. If that got you excited, congratulations because that’s the world you’re living in. Personally, I think a five year old could have created the concept of Superman: a guy in a cape who can’t be killed. Big deal. The success of the brand is due to xenophobia, nostalgia, and years of marketing, but what do I know. Vote up people who tell you about their dreams.
Special thanks to Casper for sponsoring this episode. Go to https://casper.com/biggest and use the promo code “biggest” to get $50 off, or don’t to pay $50 more.
If you don’t think domestic violence is a problem, you’re probably not one of the one-third of the population of Earth who is beating the hell out of the other one third. Your gender doesn’t matter in that hypothetical because it’s happening both ways. It’s the problem that keeps on giving.
Domestic violence is the reason we have neck ties. It’s comforting to imagine we’re civilized, but the stats say otherwise. I’ve attached several statistics on domestic violence to this post. Before debating them or objecting to them, please remember that it doesn’t matter how accurate they are. No one will stop it either way.
Maddox rounds out the episode with a much more personal problem, something that has plagued both man and comedian and the British since the beginning of time: crickets. Crickets are loud, and annoying, and full of protein. But that can be said for all the hosts of this show too. Vote up crickets and watch Maddox and Asterios hunt them down on Periscope!
What is a spring? Is it just a wound piece of metal? If you think that, you are as stupid as me and Sean. Never in the history of Earth has the subject of springs provoked such an existential quagmire, but thanks to Maddox and his jerk friend Coily the Spring Sprite, the debate of “what is a spring” is blown wide open like a bag of sand on prom night. Here is Coily and some recently enlightened jerkoff to help you learn about springs. I bring in Television, a solution that everyone uses for five hours every day to loosen up their springs after a hard day’s spring. Before you vote it down, realize that you’re doing so on an interactive television powered by a telecom network designed mostly to bring you more television. Or as Maddox would say, a telecom infrastructure built of floppy, unwound springs. Maddox then brings in a subset of springs: Floss. Personally, I think floss is a scam and that bad breath can be cured with whiskey or by brushing your teeth a little better, but if wiggling little bits of minty string around in your mouth gets your rocks off, go nuts. I’ve heard of weirder fetishes. I end the episode on something that is objectively not a scam: Right on Red. Imagine a world where you couldn’t spring a right at a red light. According to my research, that world is called Uruguay. Get your springs together Uruguay. The world is laughing at you. Hear all of this and more on this month’s bonus episode!
If you’re a fan of fuckface idiots, this week’s show is chock full of them due to the huge problem of “affluenza.” It’s the phenomenon of rich people blaming their affluence on their inability to tell right from wrong. It turns out that being too wealthy can cushion you from things like consequences for your […]
Asterios is back! And trying to impress a special lady friend while he’s at it with his Wayne Brady-slaying comedy, his seductive Star Wars themed puns, and his erotic extreme-shouting about nothing. But he screws up by bringing in Last Call as a problem. If I was trying to impress a woman, I would have brought in a problem like Not Enough Celebrity Dancing Shows or Having Too Big A Penis, but to each their own.
Sean is absent in this episode, stranded with his sticky icky in the Lands of Ass. He had a return ticket, but they deleted it. To make sure fans get the highest fidelity audio, I asked my Lyft driver, self-described “DJ of his generation”, DJ Tim Changz to fill in. It was a huge mistake.
Fans come bearing gifts in this episode; like the Three Wise Men of old, except instead of gold, frankincense, and mir, they come bearing cookies, DVDs, and a penis pump. If you’re wondering why we’re opening presents late, thank Maddox’s old mail lady who should be replaced by a drone.
It’s the event you’ve all been waiting for, a once-in-a-lifetime audio armageddon, a podcast phenomenon that will leave you limp-dicked and weak-kneed and gasping for oxygen and wondering if you crapped in your pants and your shoes. You won’t even know who you are or believe your ears after you get a load of this. Maddox, celebrated internet satirist and best-selling author apologizes–perhaps for the first time in his life. And not just once, but twice!
Welcome to episode 85. The one where I hate Star Wars. Mickey Mouse owes me 50 bucks or a night with Goofy.
Did you spend too much on Christmas presents? I didn’t, but boy did my life-coach, who schlonged himself for three grand when he planned to spend about a tenth of that. Learn your geography, kids. That’s the lesson. It could save you a mortgage payment someday.
“People who were homeschooled are weird and lack social skills.” Says Asterios Kokkinos, the guy who dressed up as Grumble Bee, a bumble bee-based character of his own design, to go on a daytime television game show where he was chewed out by America’s most accessible comedian during a commercial break for making a game show too awkward. If that’s not the pot calling the kettle Rain Man, I don’t know what is.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…. EPISODE 83: A New Pair of Underpants This week, we join Emperor Maddox aboard his fully operational Rant Star as he wields the might of the Pedantic Empire in a battle to destroy the rebel forces of Too Much Star Wars Merchandise. If you hate pointless brand licensing like BB-8 oranges, Han Solo Pop-Tarts, and Jabba the Hutt toilet paper, get out your up-voting blaster and shoot first, or be prepared to live in a Star Wars-less future caused by brand fatigue.
Who invented Daylight Saving Time? If you guessed Hitler, you would be factually incorrect, but you wouldn’t be wrong.
Daylight Saving Time is the biggest sham perpetrated on the civilized world since those elongating dick pills swarmed late night TV ads in the 90s. We were all curious about them. There’s no shame in that.
Imagine a world where you can drive home from work in the pitch black, feel hungover and jet lagged even though you didn’t do anything fun, and crash your car way more and also have more heart attacks. If that sounds good to you, welcome to planet Earth, where we collectively screw up our clocks and our sleep schedules twice a year because someone told us to. Who needs the Milgram experiment? We have Daylight Savings Time.
Buy This Episode ($1.99) Also accepting BitCoin: Episode Do you like apples? “Not if they’re mealy as fuck!” Is what the guy should have told Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting. Pack up your pectin and get ready for an event more exciting than the Super Bowl, OJ Simpson’s car chase, and STD test results […]
It’s your old pal Dick again, back in the saddle with a post full of yucks and a pen full of is. Several people felt the stupefying sting of a stumping last week: Penn Jillette, Marc Maron, show producer Randy; but guess who wasn’t among them? That’s right, the man with the sculpted mane, the […]
Episode 80 Transcript courtesy of Laurie Foster I got a flood of email this week asking me to bring in the fuckface himself, Donald Trump. It was a long-time coming, but the point his relatively innocuous candidacy becomes dangerous is when he foments racial unrest and Islamophobia, which he did this week by suggesting Muslims […]
Episode 79 Transcript courtesy of Laurie Foster This week, our thoughts are with the fallen in France. Dick has a knee-jerk reaction to “knee-jerks,” and I cut right through all the bullshit and get to the heart of the problem with zealots. Speaking of Bullshit, I’m finally releasing my Penn & Teller video with my […]
Episode 78 Transcript courtesy of Laurie Foster and Megan Pennock We’re joined by the lovely Dating Advice Girl, Erin Tillman and our own digital cyber demon, @Asterios is back for part of this episode. We discuss bad haircuts, bad bans and the bad, bad people who “convey semiotic violence” in the form of spooning. Special […]
Episode 77 Transcript courtesy of Laurie Foster This episode I’m joined by the sneakiest of Greeks, @Asterios, where we discuss cowardly perverts and the stigma surrounding the loss of virginity. Plus, a special cap to the apple debate at the end of this episode. Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harry’s […]
Episode 76 Transcript courtesy of Laurie Foster This episode we are joined by our very spooky friend, Roger Barr from I-Mockery.com. Roger’s the foremost authority on all things Halloween and he’s working on a badass new game: Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harry’s website and use the promo code “BIGGESTPROBLEM” […]
Episode 75 Transcript courtesy of Laurie Foster I finally brought in that ever-amorphous political theory, and the most consistently pushed agenda from 50% of this show: Libertarian Theory. Dick got so mad he threw a pen at me. My problem went on long, so don’t hold that against Dick. He also wanted to bring in […]
Well it finally happened. We finally told a story so gross that Sean almost threw up during this taping. We thought he was kidding at first until he pushed his mic away and started gagging. I was two adjectives away from having Sean ruin thousands of dollars of recording equipment with stomach bile. You’re welcome! […]
Episode 73 Transcript courtesy of Laurie Foster I finally bring in “friend-zoned pussies” this episode, along with Dick’s fuming about the Pope having an opinion. Plus a bunch of voicemail near the end of the episode about my use of a wig instead of actual pubes on my shirt. Actual pubes are gross, idiots. Nobody […]
[01:46:30] Buy This Episode ($1.99) Buy This Season ($15.99) Also accepting BitCoin: Episode Season The Season Pass includes Bonus Episodes 1-12 and you’ll receive the episodes the day they’re released. It’s a discount, not a time machine. Buying each individual episode would cost about $24 per year, so the season pass offers you a discount […]
Episode 72 Transcript courtesy of Megan Pennock A man bun is a bun you don’t want to eat, smell or touch. Mercifully, this trend in hairtrocity may be coming to an end. It turns out that man buns cause premature baldness. This week, Dick got sent a bunch of articles about how people with man […]
Episode 71 Transcript courtesy of Laurie Foster We put up a united front against Vegans who stonewall restaurant choices in this episode. Also, the fan problem of “artificial scarcity of pretzel buns” from the tail lend of the last episode made it onto our list of official problems. And we tackle the big problem of […]
This episode was chock-full of facts—from me—with Dick & Sean forming a tag-team duo of incredulity. I’ve linked to sources about the disputed claims below (about the Swiss eating cats and dogs, donor fatigue and the lack of middle-eastern support for terrorism from Pew Research Center).
Speaking of, we had a surprisingly nuanced conversation about terrorism in this episode that didn’t derail into a Trump campaign speech (though almost).
[01:35:37] Buy This Episode ($1.99) Buy This Season ($15.99) Also accepting BitCoin: Episode Season The Season Pass includes Bonus Episodes 1-12 and you’ll receive the episodes the day they’re released. It’s a discount, not a time machine. Buying each individual episode would cost about $24 per year, so the season pass offers you a discount […]
Episode 68 Transcript courtesy of Megan Pennock. This week’s problems are both subsets of bigger problems: “People Who Can’t Cook” is a subset of anti-intellectualism, and “Toddlers” is a subset of “Babies,” since not all babies survive it to toddler age, whatever age that may be. Also, whoever wagered his life savings to see a […]
Cheating can be a problem, but the biggest cheating you can do is to yourself with self-defeating thoughts. Buy tickets to my new life-coaching seminar. Also, too long of a shorts. I’m also teaching a seminar on indefinite articles.
Shit. You don’t want it in you and you don’t want it on you. It’s a big problem. Plus, the fast food version of shit, and data caps. All kinds of shit this episode.
Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harry’s website and use the promo code “BIGGESTPROBLEM” when checking out to get $5 off your first purchase. I’m talking to you, ladies.
Here’s the video McDonald’s put out to assuage consumers’ fears about their fries having “17 ingredients” that turned out to actually be 19. Which is definitely not a Franken-fry, according to McDonalds’ PR campaign:
I finally brought in what is, to date, the biggest problem in the universe: death. Also, Dick has a problem with hoverboard hoaxes. Special thanks to Casper for sponsoring this episode. Go to https://casper.com/biggest and use the promo code “biggest” to get $50 off, or don’t and pay $50 more.
The problem we’ve teased in the intro for a while now is finally brought in: ants. Also, another type of ant that’s arguably worse: infantalism. Just a bunch of emotionally immature cry babies who can’t cope with the stress and pressure of life. And speaking of cry babies, Dick takes the trophy-hunting variety to task. And “piss driblets.”
Big thanks to US for sponsoring this episode. The reviews are in and people love Bonus Episode #10. Thanks for supporting the show.
[01:17:02] Buy This Episode ($1.99) Buy This Season ($15.99) Also accepting BitCoin: Episode Season The Season Pass includes Bonus Episodes 1-12 and you’ll receive the episodes the day they’re released. It’s a discount, not a time machine. Buying each individual episode would cost about $24 per year, so the season pass offers you a discount […]
[…] are taking it on the chin right now (for a hilarious and totally NSFW example, have a listen to this podcast by Internet comedy icon Maddox). We are accused of just about everything uncool, from being fond of snobbery to displaying […]